Little Miss Trouble

When I left St. Louis, it was the end of four very unhappy years for me.  Anyone that read me in the past 18 months should know how unbelievably unhappy I was while I was there.  In November of last year, I finally got my ticket out.  Not only did this move get me out of a geographical location that I loathed, it also gave me a chance to get back to doing work I truly believe in and that I love.

When I began at my very large company (rhymes with “going” and makes airplanes, you do the math), I began at a division that supported the space industry.  See, my company does a LOT more than just make airplanes.  That is what we are ‘known’ for publicly because that product touches nearly everyone’s life.  Ever flown in a commercial plane?  You’ve sat your butt in one of my company’s products.  But, there is a very large division of my company that does the space and defense industry work.  So, I began at a division supporting the Space Shuttle.  What an amazing piece of engineering art.  It has 2.5 million parts and each bird is completely taken apart and rebuilt after each mission into space (that is why there are such long stretches between Shuttle flights).  Each part is hand checked for flaws and damage.  It carries a very precious cargo – one we’ve lost twice in the programs history since 1981.

I felt proud of what I was doing.  I was buying parts for that amazing vehicle.  I was responsible for things that went into space.  I’ve always been very interested in the industry because I’ve been around it my whole life.  My dad and my grandparents worked in the business.

Shortly after I began with the company, an opportunity to move to Houston, TX, and support the International Space Station came my way.  I eagerly took it and moved.  That was the best, happiest 9 years of my adult life.  Personally and professionally.  I have had my hands on hardware, really cool hardware, that is floating in space right now.  I was responsible for buying the system that allows the astronauts to communicate with the ground and the cameras mounted to the outside of the Station that take all those breathtaking pictures.  It was SO cool.

The rumors started flying 4 1/2 years ago that there were lay offs coming.  I chose to look for work outside my beloved Houston because I really love the company i work for.  I did not want to leave the company, I just needed to leave the program because there were budget cuts coming.  I was offered the position in St. Louis working for a program that supported the defense industry (specifically, we made a weapon that the Air Force used on F-15’s).  It was a different type of job within the same family I had always worked in (buying).  Plus, my folks had recently moved there.  So, I interviewed, was offered a job and accepted it.  I made the move to St. Louis.  At the beginning it was the best thing for me professionally.  Within six months of my leaving Houston, half my old group was laid off.  There is no guarantee that I would have been safe if I had been there.

I settled in to St. Louis.  I never really warmed up to the city.  I gave it a chance, but after 4 years, I just lost the battle of learning to like it there.  Even right now I can’t put my finger on why I hated it so much, but I did (and do).  I think a huge part of why I hated living there is that within a very short amount of time, I grew to hate the job I was doing.  I hated the customer (God, the Air Force is one fucked up organization) and the job I was doing was just mind numbingly boring.  Plus, it was not giving me the opportunity to grow into my next job level.  I asked twice when opportunities came up, to be moved to a different job in my group to gain the skills I needed to advance, but was shut out both times because I am not going to kiss anyone’s ass for any reason.  I began hunting to get out.

My first choice was to go back to Houston.  I have always had an open invitation to come back to Houston, if there were openings.  I left there on very good terms and am still close to a lot of people (including my old director) there.  I was on the edge of getting the job offer to come back when the Director called me and told me that he was afraid there was another round of vicious lay offs coming and he didn’t want to bring me back to just lay me off.    I appreciated that.  After a few more months of job searching, I interviewed for and was offered a job in Huntsville, AL.  It was a job supporting the new space vehicle program, ARES I, which is part of the over all Constellation program.

I moved to Huntsville.  I love it here.  God, I really, REALLY love this area.  I was immediately comfortable here in both my job and my surroundings.  I am back doing what I love ~ supporting the US space program.

And then, Obama killed my happiness.

Of course, while he was running for president he lied, just like every other politician, and said he felt that US manned space flight was important to maintain and move forward.  In fact, he approved the budget for my program last year with no problem.  The US government has spent 9 billion of your hard earned tax dollars on this program since it began 3 years ago.  And now Obama wants to kill it and waste your taxpayer money.  That should piss you off to no end.  It certainly pisses me off.

His rationale for killing the program is that it isn’t moving fast enough and it is utilizing old technology.  Well, creating a replacement for a heavy lifting vehicle to get humans and cargo into space and back home again safely takes time.  Remember what I said above.  The Space Shuttle, which was designed over 30 years ago, has 2.5 million parts and is the most complex invention ever.  Expecting scientists and engineers to create a replacement for that overnight is unrealistic and incredibly stupid.

Please take 8 minutes from  your time spent tending your farm on Facebook and Twittering and watching internet porn and watch this video.

(the creator of this video is a space contractor, like myself – not government, not NASA)

As for using old technology?  Sure, some of it is old, from the Apollo program time frame.  Because there are some things that just work.  What he fails to mention (and what the Augustine report glosses over) are all the things we are doing that are really far out there and cutting edge.  New technologies.  There are new patents for the brand new technology being invented being filed at a frantic pace.  But, according to him, the program is not doing anything new.  I am absolutely gobsmacked at the idiocy.

So, here I sit in a place that for 2 1/2 months was the happiest place I had been in at least 4 years, and I am back to the way I was before.  Sick, anxious and unsure.

Today began at 12:33am for me.

My phone rang.  At 12:33am.  That is half past midnight.  I could have killed someone.

I laid there and tried to go back to sleep.  Unsuccessfully I might add.  I tossed and turned, finally drifting back off at 2am.  I had a low, dull pain in my left cheekbone, but nothing to be terribly concerned about (so I thought).  My alarm rang at 5am.  Something felt different, not right.  I opened my mouth to yawn and almost cried.

What was different is that the whole left side of my face was swollen and a little sore.  Good lord, now what??!!??

I have had so many problems with my teeth for so many years now that I have a high tolerance for pain in my mouth.  I went ahead and got ready to go to work.  I got in, sat down and my boss turned around to ask me something, I looked up at her and she said “OH MY GOD!  What’s wrong with your cheek??”  It was continuing to swell.  I made it to about 2pm.  It was really swollen and was beginning to get sore enough that it was uncomfortable.  I left work and headed for the urgent care clinic.

They weighed me (by the way?  I have lost 15 pounds since Jan. 1 ~ yay me!) and did all the normal check up stuff (temp, blood pressure, questions).  The doctor came in, looked in my mouth, pushed on my cheek (ouchieouchieouchie) and told me that it was one of my back teeth.  It was abscessing.

OH. MY. GOD.

I am so sick and tired of this constant revolving drama involving my teeth.  Seriously.

The doctor wrote me a prescription for an antibiotic (Keflex) and for some painkillers (Vicodin ~ woop woop) and told me to call my dentist in the morning.  **sigh**

2 good things did happen today though.  Finding out I lost 15 pounds was pretty awesome.  Secondly?  Driving home from the doctor’s office I was totally zoned out and TOTALLY ran a red light.  Like, it had been red for at least 2 seconds before I went through it.  I look to my right as I’m driving through and realize what I was doing and there was a cop sitting right there.  I knew for SURE I was pinched.  However, when his light turned green, he turned the other way and didn’t come after me.  WIN.  It was a real dick thing of me to do and I’m glad I didn’t cause an accident or get a ticket.

I ride in to work every day with my friend R.  I drive to her apartment at some stupid early hour every weekday morning and park my car there.  She drives us in to work (until Friday – we are finally moving to a non-asbestos filled building off the army base on Friday and R is not, so we can’t ride in any more) and then back to her place for me to get my car.

We cleared the base and were nearly to her freeway exit when she turned to me and said “I’m having a terrible sweet tooth attack.  There is a Russell Stover’s store in Athens, it’s only about 20 miles away.  Wanna go with me?”

Oh hell.  I said I would go.

We walked in and I was immediately swooned over by the smell of chocolate.  Every single kind of chocolate candies that Stover makes, sample packs, a full bakery counter, including hand made chocolate candies and hand dipped strawberries AND an ice cream counter.

Oh, by the way?  They sell these ice cream dishes there.  W.A.N.T.

SO, I got out with a box of milk chocolate covered cherries (my favorite chocolate candy) and a big bag of sugar free butterscotch disks (my favorite hard candy) and a bag of sugar free Chick-O-Sticks (my favorite….um, candy).  Not too bad.  Then as we leave, she points out that there is a Nestle Toll House store across the street.

Really?

So there was a trip in to that store, which resulted in a cheesecake brownie and a large peanut butter cup cookie.

Ridiculous.

I’ve had 1 chocolate covered cherry (OMG to die for) and the other candies are for my desk at work.  A few bites of brownie and the rest went in the fridge.  It’s so good, but I couldn’t eat much more because it is all so rich.

So, I was a baaaad girl today.  But it was so good. 

God, I am lame.  It’s been forever since I’ve posted.  I’ve got to get better about posting here.  I’ve been so busy lately with school and work that I’m just worn out at the end of the day.

The dude at work that can’t get his shit together?  Yeah, still not got it together, not back at work.  Apparently he came in on Thursday morning, walked in, saw the senior manager and walked back out.  Too chickenshit to face the senior manager.  WTF.  The man is in his 50’s and the most senior level you can be at what I do.  WTFever.  I’m over it.  I can’t stress about him not being there.  And in four glorious days when we move to a new building, off the army base, I won’t have to hear about it from my boss (who I actually like a lot, believe me…..) because I won’t be sitting 3 feet from her.  Yay.

Since January 12, my life has consisted of work and school.  That is just about it.  Pffft, graduate school.  They actually expect you to read that stuff!!  I was talking to my son last night (13 years old) and he asked me why I have to read it ALL.  “Can’t you just skim it Mom?”  Uh, no.  In my bachelor’s program I could.  Not so much in graduate school.  In fact, I am writing this blog to procrastinate the reading I should have done last night (but chose to watch a movie instead).  I need to read, answer some questions and post them to the school forum, then I’m going to play WoW.  I haven’t played in forever and for some reason woke up this morning really jonesing to play.

I went and saw Sherlock Holmes yesterday with my friend Renee.  I needed a break in school work and she called and wanted to go.  Perfect.  It was good.  We both really liked it.  Especially the 2 minute scene of Robert Downey Jr. shirtless, sweaty and beat up in a boxing scene.  OMG hubba hubba hubba.

(Rawr!)

After the movie I went to Wal-Mart for groceries (in the god damn snow, and that is a gripe for another blog entirely).  I got the stuff to make pulled BBQ chicken in the crockpot (which is cooking right now and smells so good) and the stuff to make yummy Taco Soup (recipe courtesy of Tense Teacher).  I will make a giant pot of that soup this afternoon and eat it for lunch or dinner, then take it to work for lunch all week.  Good thing I don’t mind leftovers since I can’t figure out how to cook for just one person.  *sigh*

Other than that, NOTHING is going on.  I’ll have a life again.  In 72 weeks (end of grad school).

All princesses like crowns right?  Sparkly, gold, full of diamonds, rubies and emeralds.  There is no doubt I am a princess.  Or at least, I act like one.  So, today is my day!  Today is the day I get my crown!

Wait.

Crap.

MY crown is white, porcelain and remarkably tooth-shaped.

Ugh.  Totally forgot until I woke up this morning and the calendar alerts on my phone reminded me that I have a damn dentist appointment at 10 this morning.  They are going to put the permanent crown over the tooth they did a root canal on last week.  And, hey while they are in there, a super deep, under the gum cleaning.  GAH.

I hate the dentist.  HATE.

I slept until 10:50am.  I was shocked.  Shocked that I was able to sleep that long and shocked that the dog let me.  She usually gets me out of bed by 7am because she has to go out.  I got up, made some breakfast/lunch and sat down and began reading my textbook for the class I’m in.  I finally had to take a break at about 5pm.  I couldn’t take it any more.  Good grief.

My situation at work (see post below) got a little better because the boss convinced the guy to come in last Friday.  And he was at work all week, until Friday.  Friday he called the boss and told her he “just wasn’t feeling it and may not come in”.  He told her he might come in around noon but he wasn’t sure.  I was floored.  My boss was back in HR again Friday morning.  He never did come in.

I’m off to go upstairs and crash.  It’s not even 9pm and I am nodding off.  Because I’m old, yo.

I think I might be in a little over my head at work.

Yesterday I Twittered something about having to blindly go cover for someone at work who is two job class levels above me and had been gone for 2 days ill.  I was asked to brief upper management on his work package.  I had access to the limited information on the package approximately 30 minutes before said briefing.  I was sure that the whole situation was going to be made entirely of fail.

I was wrong.  I am going to regret being wrong.

This afternoon my boss pulled me aside and said that it is very possible that the co-worker is not coming back for a while; he may be going out on extended medical leave.  There is no one else in our group that isn’t already completely over loaded or inexperienced enough to not be able to handle the work.  She may have to give the work package to me.  Management is behind this decision based on a cold briefing I gave with 30 minutes of notice to pre-game the meeting.

I would normally not be freaked out by something like this.  When I have to buy things (that’s what I do, I am a buyer for a large company that is a contractor to NASA – I am working on a space program) that are large dollar items, I typically don’t freak out.  The job is fundamentally the same whether the purchase order is $5 or $5,000,000.  The only difference is that the larger the dollar value equals far more paperwork.  I’ve been doing this for 13 years.  I used to get freaked out when I spent $100,000 of the company money in the course of doing business.  However, after all these years I have taught myself that it is just a number.  I cannot relate that number to actual money in my head because it would freak me out.  So, with that being said, it takes a bit to freak me out.

I got freaked out today.

I asked the boss how big this work package was in total (he’s got it split into a few pieces for various reasons).  Without batting an eyelash she said $250,000,000.

Holy crap, that is a quarter of a BILLION dollars.  That I am responsible for.  Not only is it a ridiculous amount of money, it will be the most complicated type of purchase contract we could possibly use.  Something I don’t have a lot of experience managing.

So, I hope that since I was able to pull together the briefing in such a short amount of time and not be made of fail at work, I can pull this off.  Wish me luck.

Have you ever heard a song and were transported back in time?

A couple days ago I heard a Paul McCartney & Wings song (Jet) while driving and was transported to summer 1985.  I was 15, getting ready to go into high school band (a decision that would turn out to be one of the most profound decisions I’ve ever made – I truly made lifelong friends through that experience, people that did and still are making a positive impact on my life, but I digress), THIN, tan and blonde.

We had a speed boat.  Nothing fancy, but powerful enough to pull a skier.  For 10 years, I was out of bed no later than 8am on Saturday’s and Sunday’s during the summer to go to the lake with my folks.  We would pack coolers full of food, sodas and beer (jesus, my dad drank beer ALL. DAY. LONG. and then drove the boat while pulling me as a skier; this was of course before anyone thought of giving BUI’s like DUI’s) and we would be at the lake by 10am.  We would usually be there until dark, sometimes later.  Some of the best fun I have ever had in my life.

The boat had a stereo installed with a tape deck.  Which was so fortunate because my dad was the MASTER at making mix cassettes.  It was kind of hilarious actually to watch him.  He’d sit on the floor in front of the stereo with all his vinyl albums everywhere and a blank cassette in the tape deck.  He’d have a pad and pencil which he would use to make his “set list”.  And then erase it and rearrange it, over and over.  Because he insisted that it had to be the perfect mix.

One of his favorite tapes had a bunch of Wings songs on it, and we listened to it all the time.  Hearing that song the other day brought a huge rush of memories back to me.  I could almost smell the early summer morning, the suntan oil (sunblock?  what sunblock?  i expect to have cancer tomorrow from the way I abused my skin in my teens – foil sheet with baby oil?  check!), the smell of the little corner store we stopped in every weekend to load up on ice and whatever snacks my mom didn’t have at home.

So many of my memories are connected to music.  Probably because music has always been in my life.  My parents are young.  They were young teenagers when they had me, so when I was in my teens, they were in their early 30’s.  They listened to rock and roll, they took me to concerts.  I was a musician from the age of 10.  I can rock the shit out of Metallica and switch to Mozart with no problem whatsoever.

There are some songs, like the one I listed above, that bring a whole flood of really great memories.  Fun times.  There are some songs I try not to listen to because they are emotionally tied to bad places in my life.  There is one song I cannot listen to at all (it was played at a friends funeral) and there is one whole album I avoid because the entire thing is hopelessly connected to a man I’ve been involved in, in some form or fashion, since I was 16.

So, yeah.  Summer, 1985.  Mirrored (Risky Business) Ray-Ban sunglasses, acid washed jorts, shoulder pads, teased hair, innocence and fun.  I want to go back there.

So, here I am.  What do y’all think?  I think with all the garbage I’ve been through this year, I needed this break from the old blog.  I’m going to back up the posts of course, because if nothing else, it chronicles a tough year in my life.  All the way around.  2009 was really made of suck in my life, right up to the very VERY end.  So, in the spirit of the new year, I have started fresh.  This year will be better for me.

I am changing a lot of things about my life.  I am nervous about it and excited for it.

p.s. hahahahah – When I log in to Wordpress, the greeting on my dashboard at the top right says “Howdy, Trouble”.  Have been giggling all night over that.